I Walk By Faith and Not By Sight

I was chatting with a friend the other day, she just graduated from St. Ben’s (wooo! Bennies!) and she happened to be passing through London for a couple nights. We were talking about her future plans and what she intended to do with her degree. Now, I know better than to ask, “So what do you want to do now?” But, I asked anyway. She talked about using her business degree in accounting or continuing on to get her masters degree. Listening to her talk about her idea of what life is like after college made me chuckle a little, only because I remember sitting in that uncomfortable chair once too.

At the beginning of college, I believed I would graduate with a business degree and work in marketing and communications at some interesting company. I even considered hotel management for a time. Then in the middle of college, I considered stage management as a future career. By the time my graduation arrived all I knew was that I had a degree in theatre, a boyfriend in a foreign country and had a desire to live in the world of theatre in London. Little did I know that the following two years out of college would be a whirlwind of jobs and living spaces as I rode an emotional roller coaster through life.

This must be the time of year for me to go over my understanding of life because only a year ago I found myself in the Indiana Sand Dunes doing some serious self-reflection. My paths in life continue to twist and turn as I adventure further out into the unknown. Even these past couple months, as you may have noticed, have been challenging for me with my new position. This job has pushed me in all directions and forced me to make decisions, thus taking risks. I’m a grown up now, which means I have to take ownership of my mistakes and successes at work.  It’s been tough. Really tough actually. To the point where I’ve had to stop and think, “Why did God put me here?”

Now, I know in the past I’ve subtly hinted at my faith, so I’m sure it comes as no great shock to you that I have a faith. It was only until recently that I was proud to be surrounded by people who encouraged me to really stand up for my beliefs. Coming from a religious family, I’ve studied a variety of religious backgrounds. At the end of it all, I realized that denomination doesn’t matter. It’s what works best for each individual and right now, I’ve found a safe place to practice my faith and it has taken me on a new path once again.

My journey has always been guided by my faith in the past. Most recently, when my partner and I were jobless and at our lowest—and I mean lowest—we went to church one weekend only to find ourselves walking away with the message that God was ready to make a great change in our lives. Less than three days later, we both walked away with full-time jobs. Our paths were a little less rocky after that week.

Even when I was my weakest and felt as though I had lost control of my job, I took a moment to pray for strength. That week, I never felt stronger as I powered through emails and set up productions at work. It was like all the knowledge I had been missing for a month came flooding into my brain. I felt secure. My pathway was widened as I saw greater opportunities in my job.

When I felt unsteady in my relationships and insecure about meeting new people, I found light in a new group of people. Once a week, I could laugh—really laugh—about everything in life. I’m living in the theatre world, rarely do I have the opportunity to talk to someone who is in law or business. This amazing group of people reminded me of the joy that lies in socializing beyond my comfort zone. My path has gotten a little more crowded as I open my heart up to meeting more people.

Here I am, my brain is mush and my head feels like a giant weight on my shoulders. Picture Wile E. Coyote with an anvil dropped on his head—that’s me at the moment. Out on a walk, my partner points out a new side path we never walked up before. Kneeling down in front of an unknown bridge my heart calms and my mind is at ease. Though a new path is terrifying and could present some serious struggles, not once has God let me down. A year ago, I was juggling multiple jobs, running my sister’s kids to a bazillion places and trying to have a social life of my own. Even in my scattered life, He was there giving me strength and rest (although the rest may have come from exhaustion).

This new path that I’m on, it’s tough, and even today I sank in my spinny chair frustrated with my lack of understanding. Even though this is difficult, I know there is some grace in my position. I have been led here for a reason. Right now, yes, I’m feeling confused and disheartened by it all, but there is a blessing in my midst. There is grace in this job, there is something I will gain from having patience and taking the time to build my skills in this position. Though I can only pray that God presents it soon before I lose my mind dealing with customer service calls, I know He’s there with me every time I close my eyes and take a deep breath begging to understand.

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